By Sunnyd - WSA Member and WSA Online Forum member

As I took my morning walk today I made a profound decision.  Oh, it was much more thought out than just the hour or so a morning walk could offer but the last threads of it were formed in my head as I walked towards the sun and my future.  I will not divorce my husband.  There I said it and it™s done.  I will not divorce my husband. 

For months maybe years I have had divorce written all over me.  I walked and talked divorce.  I planned for such a long time.  Finally the lawyers were summoned, papers drawn up, money transferred to the œdivorce account.

The papers the lawyer needed to begin were ready¦. my husband sat in his wheelchair at the dining room table and there was a hesitation on his part.  No hesitation from me¦I was firm¦.please sign I asked him¦.please.  He asked me to just wait another month or so.  œWe waited this long¦.why not just give it another month.  With a giant sigh I gave in although it went against all I hoped and wished for. 

We plodded on as MS did its ugly deeds. And then my well being took a turn. My coping skills as his caregiver disintegrated.  And I began to imagine a life outside of MS.  One that would allow me to live as a œnormal person.  My desire for this became stronger than any other life function.  I needed to find me again.  I needed to find a life. 

So, I talked and talked and talked to my husband. As I opened my heart I broke his heart.  And in the end I left.  I moved to a community about 40 minutes from my home.  A lovely cottage near the sea.  And, I surrounded myself with calm and serenity.

I pledged to always care for the medical needs of my husband.  I established round the clock care.  I drove to the house as many times a week as necessary.  But, then I retreated back to œnormal.  And, I wanted a divorce. I wanted this normal to stick.  I wanted it to last forever. 

But, there was something¦something missing¦¦.and it hit me in the head when I stopped looking.  It could only have come from the serenity I was now afforded.  The peace of being I had now found.  I LOVE MY HUSBAND.  In finding myself I found him again.
 
I will continue to live in my cottage.  I will continue to enjoy œnormal.  I will remain in my/our marriage in a most unconventional way.  I will love this man who has given me so much and pray that his suffering will be in some ways alleviated by this love.  I thank him for the freedom he has awarded to me.
 
As a well spouse we must at times make some difficult choices.  This is and will continue to be a very long and hard road.  MS never gets better and there is no cure. I don™t know what the future will hold but I do know we have both done our best to preserve our marriage, whatever that has become, and that is all a couple who is in our position can hope for.