Well Spouse Association | *Sexuality and the Well Spouse

When asked to edit responses from readers on the topic of "Sexuality and the Well Spouse", I was intimidated. Where to start? Did I dare? I began with a Forum query in last issue's newsletter: Does living with chronic illness mean that you have to be celibate? Before that was even published, I sent a letter to all the WSF support groups, requesting anonymous comments. Within days, and even before the query was published, my box began to fill with letters... To protect those who wanted anonymity, I stripped your letters of details of circumstance. Here's what you said:

"My first thought was not to respond to your query...too painful."

"I miss sexual contact very much. But more than that is the profound and pervading sadness and grief at the loss of friendship, intimacy, sharing. When sex became a painful reminder of losses, it was abandoned. I had to survive too."

"I shy away from sexual advances. Our few attempts at intercourse in recent years have been incomplete and frustrating for both of us. It seems better not to do it at all. He still longs for it, and talks about it a lot, which I find uncomfortable."

"How I laughed. If you are not worried about AIDS or other STDs, then when would you ever find time?"

"We live together like brother and sister. I do mourn for what used to be and I sometimes wish I could have again. Then, I count my blessings and am grateful for what I do have. We are Christians, and the Lord has seen me thru so many valleys."

"Honest communication and a willingness to try (for some type of intimacy) go a long way, but I am still left with longing for a "healthy" relationship. Is it something I can never have? It is a continual emotional and psychological battle. One that I feel that I am constantly losing."

"I'm afraid I'll deeply regret the next step I'm contemplating, but how can I know that until I do? I can't...unless some other well spouse tells me what happened when she did it. This is one area where there is no room for error- our marriages are traumatic enough without making them worse. That's why we really need to share these experiences with each other."

"I think a discreet affair is not a sin but is life saving. I had one and it was good for both of us. The guilt is severe. It is not an easy answer."

"I try to remember making love to a "whole" body and can't seem to."

"I try to get sensual pleasure in other ways, but none of them fill the void. There's a fear of losing that sexual part of me. I remained celibate to be faithful to vows that I made- and out of fear of the unknown."

"I find I try to avoid the "happy couples"- as exposure to them adds to my frustration."

"I have compassion and deepest concern for my husband, however, I hope for another opportunity in a normal relationship of some kind before I die".

"As caretakers we owe it to ourselves to have some happiness and feel no guilt if we find ourselves attracted to someone. We are entitled to have a sexual and emotional relationship outside of our home. But I, for one, could never live with the guilt and feeling of betrayal of my values that would accompany it."

"I believed the love I felt for him would keep me celibate. Then, a friend of ours changed all that. For the first time in a long time I care how I look. My sisters remind me I'm married and have no right to look outside. The reality is until you've been there you don't know what you would do."

"I've had a relationship which lasted over two years and which ended recently- because my friend could not reconcile her feelings with the idea that I am "married". I tried to convey to her that I had no wife, even though I am married."

"I've lost a lot of self esteem. Ever since my husband's illness, I hug him and he ever so slightly pushes away from me. I really miss being held. I hate to admit I miss our sex life, what can I do? Everyone thinks of me as a saint already. What will they think if I have an affair? Maybe they won't know, but I will."

"I find the impotence and his lack of concern for any of my needs a much harder burden to bear than physical illness. If he would just acknowledge that he understands how I might be feeling with his withdrawal from our intimate life, it would help. I love him so much it hurts to be so often rejected."

"There was a good friend in our lives (unmarried) who had been very supportive and who has become my lover. He is there whenever I need him, and if I don't feel good he takes over the care of my husband."

"For the most part I am celibate, but I see a friend and lover at least once a year."

"My husband's illness so overshadows everything between us that I can't really imagine feeling sexual with him again. I touch his body or look at him and I simply want to cry- this is not exactly, as they say, a "turn on". If some healthy man put his arms around me, it would be hard to walk away."

"After certain tasks of caregiving, it's hard to feel romantic, but it doesn't mean we do not still love our mates. We find we may even love them more, but the desire is not there for sex."

"After many difficult discussions, facilitated by a counselor, my wife gave her consent to my having a sexual relationship with another. It is the most extraordinary gift I have ever received. The amount of trust she extended to me is awesome. We are both vulnerable to each other. We both need each other. And no, being a well spouse does not mean I have to be celibate."

"I miss so many things about my spouse, but the lover is my greatest loss."

"Sometimes I can get through a whole month without getting too depressed about it."