Reflections on my Grieving Process

By Marjorie Hart, WSA Member

It is now 2 years since Mona died and I can look back and (hopefully) see how I got from there to here.

I think it all started with a simple statement that I made at her bedside when she was trying hard to die.   In addition to "your grandmother is waiting for you" and "your dog is waiting for you," I said "WE WILL BE OK."  I realized when I said it that I really felt what I was saying would be true.  I had no idea how or why.  I just knew I was telling the truth.

It is hard to remember times exactly, but it still took another day or so for her to let go and leave us.  Her two daughters and I were at her bedside for the last couple of days. At least she was at home with hospice and not in pain.

Everything was foggy for a while.  Somehow, though, I managed to remember the things she had said over the years and keep promises I had made to her.

She was cremated and her daughter told me she wanted to be in a pretty garden.  I did all the necessary things to take care of the cremation and proceeded to look for a garden for her.  The local memorial parks said that they put several people together under the garden.  I wasn't comfortable with that, but that was what they did.

Then I was thinking about something else I knew she wanted.  She had written in lots of journals over the years.  She was very clear about not wanting anyone to read her journals.  I had not done so in the almost 19 years we had been together. I wasn't going to start now, and I wasn't going to pass them on to her kids either.  I got a big box and started putting all the journals I could find in the box to be destroyed later.

In the meantime I found 3 journals that we had both written in.  It couldn't be a violation of her privacy because I had already read everything that was there.  A few years after we met we started writing in them.  The first thing was how we met -- we each wrote what we remembered; then we each wrote about other events.  It was wonderful to read because it returned me to the early days of our relationship before WS/IS times.

Just a few weeks after she died, I asked my neighbor to take me to Synagogue with her to say Kiddush (the Jewish prayer for the dead) for Mona.  Everything was perfect that day -- the people were welcoming, the group was small, the service was informative and familiar ...  I went back again and again, so that every week I was saying Kiddush for Mona.

At the same time I was meeting new people who would become a big part of my life today.  Someone sent me a newsletter (even though I wasn't a member of that particular group yet) and I found things that I wanted to do and took part.  In January of the next year I joined. 

Another big part of my grief story is Well Spouse.  Going to the Former Well Spouse Forum online was great.  When she was alive I was afraid of that place (superstitious -- maybe).  All my friends were there and were so supportive.

The conference that year was in Chicago.  I have family in Chicago -- I grew up there.  So I went to the Conference and, again, was supported by friends.  And those people I met at the Conference who I didn't know became instant friends.  How wonderful to be surrounded by all that caring.

After I joined the Synagogue, I had them put Mona's name on their Kiddush list so she would be honored weekly for a year and then once a year after that.

Finally, onto the garden she wanted.  There was a plain corner in the backyard. (I had already decided I wanted to stay in the house.)  Her son-in-law built a large, sturdy trellis and painted it lavender (her color).  Her children purchased plants and memorial "things" like a marker, a statue of a girl reading, solar lights, etc., which we put in the garden. 

In my mind, the most important thing is that we found a way to incorporate her privacy with her memorial.  A hole was dug and we burned her journals in the hole.  When that was done, we covered it up by placing a marble slab with her name and the date there.

Then we held a short ceremony where each of us said something about her.  The closure was wonderful.  Mona died September 1, 2008 and this memorial was Memorial Day weekend of 2009.

It seems to me that many of the things I have gotten involved with since then were things that I was sure she would appreciate.  I have found a way to listen to the small voice inside of me when I need to make decisions and that works well.

Slowly I have made modifications to our home -- changing landscaping in the front; adding double pane windows; changing the color of one room; getting termite protection, etc.  The home I am living in is more and more mine.  However, it is still hers too.

Good luck to all of you who are on a journey similar to mine.  Be true to yourselves.