by Mainstay Editor, Carole Page (1993)

This issue of the newsletter begins a series of articles focusing on members' experiences with nursing homes. As your WSF newsletter editor, I had the privilege in May of interviewing fellow WSF member Julia Child. Julia was very gracious to share with us her thoughts and experiences in dealing with her husband Paul's illness and the necessity for him to be cared for in a nursing home. Most people only know of the marvelous professional "French Chef" Julia Child. The following is the very personal Julia. 

"It was about in 1980 that Paul had a heart by-pass operation. At the beginning of the many hours' long procedure, he had a small stroke. In spite of that, he did pretty well until five or six years ago. He was impaired a bit mentally, but he was able to function pretty well.

And then he began getting a pulmonary congestion. He had to go into the hospital and from there into a nursing home. By that time, he was getting very, very confused and was aware of very little. And I just decided that he needed to stay in the nursing home rather than come home, because I've had a number of friends who have tried to take care of people at home, and it can just be a killer.

My feeling is that the survivor has to survive. If the healthy spouse has an active life, he or she should be able to continue on with it. With modifications, of course, but if you just want to give up your life entirely, that would be a death wish I would think!

Paul and I were able to afford the nursing home, because we had invested Paul's retirement fund. (We still have enough for about four or five years longer, but at age 92, I don't think he'll go on for that long.) It's a miserable business, because you feel guilty no matter what you do. But I think that you really have to have a very well-equipped house to carry it off at home. And as it is, Paul has no idea where he is, so I don't feel bad about not having him at home. He knows me, so I see him most every day, but he doesn't know anything else. From a selfish point of view, I think that I am very fortunate in that. And from his standpoint, he gets better care than I could give him.

How do I cope? Well, you know, it's out of our control, and we just have to accept it, and there you are. We had a wonderful life, and HE had a wonderful life. We were in the diplomatic service and lived all over the world, and we had a wonderful lime. We had a good life -1 wish it could have gone on for the rest of MY life, but we weren't that fortunate. You just have to accept that that's the way life is, I think.

I was able to keep on with my work, lucky for me. I wouldn't have been able to do anything if he had come home, and I felt that I probably would have ended up being resentful and angry. As it is, when I go to see him, I'm all sweetness and light. And I think that's awfully important. But this kind of decision is one that each person must make on their own.

In terms of my own health, I'm a really tough old bird. I come from a long line of pioneers, so I have been fine. I just have to keep remembering that we did have a lovely life. I think that sustains me, because we had a very healthy marriage.

I know I'm very lucky to be able to finance this. I have a nurse's aide who comes in [to the nursing home] from 4-8 p.m. every day, and that makes a great deal of difference. It's nice for him to have the full attention of someone during the time that everyone's being fed and so forth. I think we have to make sure that all the laws [regarding health care] are helpful. I know that some people have just been completely wiped out by something like this, and that's perfectly dreadful.

I will always regret what's happened to my Paul, but we're lucky to be able to handle it all right."