| *Go Gently Into That New Year |
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Go Gently Into That New Year By Terri Corcoran, PR Chairperson If you are someone who makes New Year's resolutions and you are a well spouse, please let your first resolution be to NOT make unrealistic caregiving resolutions. Instead, resolve to be good to yourself - you deserve it! As a caregiver for a mentally and physically disabled spouse, I have learned the hard way - through meltdowns, burnouts, depression and anxiety - that we all have our personal physical and emotional limits, and we have to accept that we can't go beyond what is reasonable for us. I have learned to accept who I am, to respect who I am and what I do for my husband, and to know when I've "hit the wall" and need to back away and have some recovery time (even if just for a few minutes). Being a well spouse is very much like having a handicap, as we must bear our spouse's weight in addition to our own, along with all our other responsibilities. We should not measure ourselves against the standards of non-caregivers or against who we were before becoming caregivers. We need to have compassion for ourselves in consideration of the huge burdens that we carry - both physical and emotional. You'll probably not accomplish everything you think you need to do on a given day or even in a given year. Realize that you don't need to get it all done, and prioritize. I have found that when I slow myself down and focus on one chore at a time, time seems to expand and I end up getting more done that I expected to - because I am not pressuring myself. At the end of the day, if you look at what you've done rather than what you haven't done, you may be pleasantly surprised at how much you did accomplish! Don't let other people make you feel guilty for not doing certain things. They are not living your life and they have no idea how difficult it can be. While you care for your spouse as best you can, you are totally entitled to not do non-essential activities that you feel you're incapable of. People will sometimes suggest that I take my husband to parties or movies - I used to feel pressured by this, but after burning out from trying to take him places for several years, I no longer do it, and I do not feel guilty. And because of my husband's cognitive deficits, he surely doesn't care. Don't sweat the less important stuff like housework and yardwork - unless it's something you enjoy. My house is not in perfect order; there are leaves on my lawn; and my sidewalk does not get shoveled when it snows. And it's okay! When you are going through a particularly stressful physical or emotional caregiving trial, promise yourself that you will reward yourself when the crisis is over or when there's a break in the action. Find time every day for whatever refreshes your spirit, and look forward to those peaceful intervals. And when you need to grieve, crying can be a great outlet - cleansing and relieving. Always remember that the well spouse life is life under extraordinary circumstances, and be gentle with yourself. Give yourself credit for being such a loving, giving, caring spouse. Don't be a perfectionist, putting unnecessary demands on yourself - realize that doing your best is good enough. Make 2009 a year of balance, caring for yourself as well as your spouse. |