| *Acceptance - the Key to a Future |
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by Ann Novick, The Jewish Press
The last few articles have dealt with advice that an experienced caregiver can pass on to someone who is new at it. The articles were prompted by a letter I received from a former caregiver who was trying to help out a friend who recently found herself in a similar caregiving situation. Some of the issues she raised and which I addressed in the last weeks were: How best to support her friend, what she can say, the lack of availability of a religious support group, dealing with clinical depression, reluctance to burden children, financial worries and where to get outside supports from agencies, etc.
Today, I'd like to address the other topics in this letter I received . . . Emotional And Verbal Abuse Unfortunately, it is quite common for well spouses to experience abuse at the hands of the loved ones they are caring for. This should never be allowed or even tolerated and must be nipped in the bud. The first time we experience abuse and just ignore it, we are giving it license to escalate. And it will escalate. Illness does not give anyone the right to be mean or nasty to those around them. Illness is not a license to mistreat another person. If you allow the abuse because "she is sick," or convince yourself that "he really didn't mean it," the abuse will only get worse and become more frequent.
It is OK, under such circumstances, for well spouses to be angry with those they are caring for. It is important that you express that anger at the inappropriate behavior. If you're visiting your spouse in a facility and she becomes emotionally abusive, that is your cue to leave immediately. Make sure to tell her why you are leaving and that abusive behavior is simply not going to be tolerated. If you are at home, leave the room or the house if possible. Do whatever you need to (short of being abusive yourself) to make it clear that you will not just stand by and allow yourself to be treated in an abusive manner. One Last comment You will not be open to seeking solutions or trying them if you have not accepted "what is." Wishing illness away or grieving for the life you lost is a necessary part of the adjustment to a spouse's illness, but those feelings must eventually be left behind if you want a future. You cannot look at how to make your life better or happier until you have accepted the problems that surround you. Whether it is modifications to your home, to your relationship or to your lifestyle, acceptance is indeed the first step to any positive experiences in the future, whether individually or as a couple.Editor's note: Ann Novick is a frequent contributor to the Jewish Press and often, as in this article, writes on spousal caregiving issues. |