| *Valentine's Day - Fleeting Fluff |
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Valentine's Day - Fleeting Fluff For many well spouses, Valentine's Day can be anything from horribly sad to downright annoying and aggravating, since we won't be getting gifts from our spouses who are too ill or disabled to recognize Valentine's Day. The Valentine's celebrations by the general public can leave the well spouse feeling dejected, bitter, and cast to the sidelines of life - feelings that we can experience on any day but that are perhaps magnified as we watch all the healthy, happy, functioning couples celebrating their love with special gifts. But let's look at the February 14 hullabaloo more realistically. . . There are various traditions and theories that have converged to become our modern celebration of Valentine's Day. In our present age, society has basically built it into just another excuse for vendors to sell greeting cards, candy, jewelry, flowers, stuffed animals that coo "I love you", boxer shorts with hearts, mugs with hearts, and any other items that can be marketed in the weeks prior to Feb. 14 by putting hearts on them. All of this Valentine's stuff is just fleeting fluff. The next day, after words and tokens of love have been exchanged, life goes back into regular mode, and the thrill of the material gift is soon forgotten. Actually, Valentine's Day can cause more problems than we may think in relationships of two healthy people: it places the pressure of expectations, especially on the husband, to find just the right gift to prove one's love to his/her partner. For every couple who enjoys the traditional, romantic Valentine's Day, there is probably a couple with one disappointed partner who did not receive the expected thrills. Realize that what we well spouses are doing for our ill partners is the truest expression of love. It's ironic that we are probably much more deserving of a Valentine's gift than those in relationships not beset by illness, but we have to look at our marriages as something very special and realize how we and our partners have been overcoming huge trials TOGETHER. It may sound trite, but it really can be more blessed to give than receive - the personal rewards of giving of yourself to someone you love can be great. Valentine's Day could be a time to reflect on the things you love about your spouse - why you married each other in the first place. Even if your spouse is horribly disabled or ill, you can probably think of something that he/she gives you. My husband is physically and mentally disabled - incapable of doing practically anything - but I have learned to appreciate just his presence (as opposed to "presents"!) next to me. And as difficult as this marriage has been, I realize that I have achieved so much personal growth as a well spouse. If the above strategy doesn't work for you, there are more immediate remedies for the Valentine's Day blues: turn off the TV or change the channels when the gift-giving ads come on; do something special to pamper yourself or buy yourself a gift - indulge in chocolates or ice-cream if that's a special treat you don't always give yourself. Enjoy a special treat with your ill spouse - you can probably even cheat on a diet a little to do something special together. I now look at Valentine's Day as a reason to have lunch with my daughters and grandchildren and exchange small gifts with them. Finally, if you feel badly about Valentine's Day, talk about it - don't try to just bury it, because it is not wrong to feel that way. Talk to a friend, even your spouse if appropriate, or talk to the WSA Forum. Usually talking or writing about feelings that are painful will bring some relief. However you handle V-Day, remember that WSA is here for you - a whole bunch of us not loving the day. And take "heart", for on Feb. 15 it will all be over! [From Susanna Ryan, M.S.N., R.N.C.S, in Vienna, VA] - As a well spouse, it can feel as though there's never a new beginning; instead, there's just the ongoingness of caretaking. But a new beginning from time to time is important for your emotional health. The deep, love-based commitment-in-action to one's ill spouse is much of what being a well spouse is about. So why not think of Valentine's Day as your own personal well spouse New Year's Day? Treat it as a day for a fresh start in the midst of your spouse's continuing illness. You can create a ritual and celebrate your well spouse (and other) accomplishments of the last year. Remember, endurance is an accomplishment! With kindness and tenderness toward yourself, review the last year for where and how you have cared for and about yourself. After all, self-love is necessary for other-love. If you have disappointed yourself in this regard, try gently to forgive. Look ahead to the upcoming year with a couple of specific plans for being more loving toward yourself. Resolve, for example, to follow one or two manageable pieces of advice you've learned through WSA. Meanwhile, Happy Valentine New Year's Day! |
