A Message to the "Lurkers" Out There

[diney]

From what I read so far it sounds like everyone has it alot worse than me. My husband has been disabled for about 2 yrs (stroke). I guess what bugs me the most is how mean he is getting. I work 40 - 50 hrs a week to try to make ends meet. We've lost our house and had to move. I have given up alot. Every now and then a thank you would be appreciated. Am I wrong.

[Dorothy Saunders]

Not at all! If he's capable of saying thank you, he should!

[Railroad]

From what I read so far it sounds like everyone has it alot worse than me. My husband has been disabled for about 2 yrs (stroke). I guess what bugs me the most is how mean he is getting. I work 40 - 50 hrs a week to try to make ends meet. We've lost our house and had to move. I have given up alot. Every now and then a thank you would be appreciated. Am I wrong.

Sounds to me like you're in pretty bad times, diney. Bless your heart, the thanks often go without being said for way too long. Understanding the meanness doesn't help as much as folks would like to think; it still hurts, especially considering the sacrifices you make to be there for him and take care of him.

I don't know, but I don't think the folks here measure you against others to somehow determine how bad somebody has it and exalt them above others. We all hurt, we all struggle, we all have been robbed of the life we supposed we would have with our mates.

Yes, it would be nice for your mister to thank you once in awhile - sometimes you have to tell 'em so! I've had to do it with Mrs. Railroad. She has since changed her attitude (for the most part).

Hang in there, sweetie, and don't be afraid to post here. There are lots of very caring and understanding people here.

[Barbara]

Hi,

I am blessed, no matter how sick Gene is, he always says thank you for everything I do for him. At times his voice is so weak it is barely audible, but he mouths the Thank You.

For some of our spouses, the illness/disability robs them of the ability to look beyond their self centered existence. Others always took us for granted. Thanks you are beautiful works when spoken from the heart and meaningless when voiced just because it's the polite thing to do.

Thank you everyone for being here and sharing your life and support with us,
Barb

[Guest]

Early on, my IS was very liberal with the thank you's. I don't remember when, but they have disappeared. It is not because I am not appreciated. Occasionally, when he rarely has the opportunity to talk to someone other than me, I hear back how important I am to him. But he doesn't tell me that anymore.
so, Diney, please let us say "thank you" for all you do, on behalf of your IS. WE know how much you have given up, how hard it is, and how little support you (we) get from society in general for staying and remaining committed in the marraige relationship.
I just got an email today that said,
You don't need to tell God how strong your storm is; you will benefit from telling your storm how strong God is.

[diann]

Diney, does your IS know all that you're going through? I know that sounds like a crazy question--it is obvious to you and to me that you've given up your home, you work tons, and more. But 2 years into my IS being disabled, he still had no idea what I was going through. It wasn't because he didn't care about me--quite the contrary. But his pain was so great, it was difficult for him to see my pain. Even though I had gone from 120 lbs. to 95 and my friends (who all lived at least 75 miles away) could tell I was a different person (through phone calls), my IS still couldn't see what I was going through. I think his pain (physical and emotional) blinded him.

One of my friends eventually encouraged me to see a counselor. I started talking things out with her and getting everything off my chest. That was a HUGE help! But she also encouraged me to talk to my IS about what was really going on inside of me. I never wanted to before, because I didn't want to add to what he was already going through. But I tried it. I started getting things out in the open with my IS. And I have to tell you, it has helped our marriage tremendously! Now he realizes what I've given up and what I actually do for him. And now he does say thank you! He is actually quite amazed by the way I've treated him--now that he's privy to my life! Many times he'll actually say thank you with tears in his eyes because he's so taken back.

As it turns out, in the beginning my IS did recognize some of my 'personality' change, etc. But he didn't know why I was different or what he should do about it. He never realized that it was because of his illness! He didn't think his problem would affect me so much! Go figure! Back then my IS prayed for me--but he was afraid to ask me what was really going on. Slowly getting my feelings and my daily burdens out in the open was not only good for me, but it was a relief for my IS as well.

Is your IS mean because of the physical impairments of the stroke, or could it be anger due to his condition and losing his home, his independence, etc? Maybe he doesn't know he's mean to you? Or maybe he doesn't know how to get his emotions out any other way? Maybe if you began to tell him how you feel (as a WS and when he's mean to you) it will help your relationship?

I once heard that stroke victims are mean/meanest to the person they feel the most secure with. They let their anger out on that person because they know that special someone will love them through it and remain the most loyal. I bet your IS feels 'safe' letting his anger out on you. That is quite a compliment. But I would still open up to him about what you're going through and how his anger makes you feel.

And to answer your question, no you're not wrong to want to be appreciated!!

[cl]

d,
You mentioned that stroke victims are meanest to those closest to them. This may apply to many ill spouses and those they are most comfortable with to vent their pains.
cl

[diann]

I agree!

[FloydsAngel]

I am a new WS...and after reading the postings wonder why I have been so upset. Thank you all for your wonderful phrases and perspectives.My IS is 55 and has had 3 strokes...and no medical "evidence" to explain them. I am grateful he is functional. I miss my partner, my lover and my friend. Am having a hard time 'adjusting" and accepting and trying to find healthy ways to cope. It has only been since Dec 05....One day at a time....I cannot recall ever being so 'tired'.... So many 'possibilities' and probabilities...it is overwhelming. Finding resources is hard . Support groups are very limited in availability especially if you are a fulltime commuterperson like me.
I have faith, just not sure how much stamina~~ THANKS for 'listening'

[really_trying]

Floydsangel--and all those others, who are SO very overwhelmed....
Your schedule may not let you get to Support Group Meetings, or your IS' health may not allow it (my own predicament!)
But, there is a wonderful group of people/posters here, who really, really DO understand where you are, right now! Please stop back in and post away! There is usually someone here, who'll offer you a kind word, or a shoulder, when needed!

[tchuparosa]

FloydsAngel,

Welcome!

I can't begin to tell you how important this cyberplace has become to me. Even though our circumstances vary, there is a commonality of feeling and understanding and "getting it" that I have not experienced anywhere else. Truly, you are not alone. And, like Really_Trying said, there is always a shoulder here....and very good hearts and minds. Post as often as you want.

Wishing you comfort and Peace,

Tchuparosa

[tchuparosa]

FloydsAngel,

Welcome!

I can't begin to tell you how important this cyberplace has become to me. Even though our circumstances vary, there is a commonality of feeling and understanding and "getting it" that I have not experienced anywhere else. Truly, you are not alone. And, like Really_Trying said, there is always a shoulder here....and very good hearts and minds. Post as often as you want.

Wishing you comfort and Peace,

Tchuparosa

[Nora]

FloydsAngel, welcome to the space none of us want to belong in, but if it weren't for this space we'd all be nuts, or more nuts than we already are!
Like RT says there's always someone here and everyone does what they can to help one another in anyway possible.

[SunshineH]

FloydsAngel: Welcome to a very caring place. Everyone's circumstance is different and everyone is so helpful.

[Yellowrose]

I too, had trouble leaving my husband when he became so ill, I left the house only twice, once to make the arrangements for his funeral and the other was 4 nights before he passed away, I could not take it anymore. oh I had the support of his family, all 11 brothers and sisters, and their kids, and their grandkids, but I promised him after I left the first time, that I would never leave his side, he did tell me that he knew in his heart that his life was short, and it was 20 days. But if that person that won't leave reads this please remember if you can't leave there are always phones. If nothing else, take a cell with you and get someone that you trust to sit with him for at least 30 minutes and give the person your cell # and go for a walk around the block, fresh air does wonders, that way you are not too far from the house, and you have a phone where you may be reached.

FWS IS Small Cell Metastatic Melanoma died 06-20-2005