A Good Man -- Film about a Well Spouse -- Review of the WSA Matinee Showing of the Film in NYC

Review by Robert C. Ross 

The Well Spouse Association sponsored a special showing of "A Good Man" at the Quad Cinema in New York City on February 26. Larry Bocchiere, WSA president, and Safina Uberoi, the director and a producer, introduced the film, and conducted a short question and answer session afterwards.  About 70 people attended the showing, 20 WSA members, 20 other caregivers, and 30 members of the general public. Larry was kind enough to review the factual numbers on divorce rates in the US, and Safina provided me with some additional information, all of which is incorporated in this review.
 
"A Good Man" is a documentary about Chris Rohrlach, an Australian farmer, and his quadriplegic wife, Rachel. Rachel suffered a stroke when she twenty one, just before their wedding and the birth of their son Kieron.  The film captures several months of their lives fourteen years later: caregiving, farm life on a small holding, and unsuccessful diversification into building and running a brothel.  Rachel is totally dependent on others for her care, and the director, Safina Uberoi, is fearless in her closeups of Rachel's face.  I found it difficult to watch Rachel at first, but very soon her character shone through and as her son said later in the film, she began to just look like Rachel.
 
Some viewers will find this an offensive film, but it is so honest in its portrayal of caregiving, I would encourage them to simply give it a chance.  The audience laughed many times during the showing, and there was a general feeling afterwards that this is an inspiring comedy.  Ms. Uberoi said the real life actors certainly thought it was.  In any event, the film reveals a subject that is often hidden away, even though an estimated 65 million American act as caregivers.
 
The brothel theme is heavily emphasized in the promotional materials, but it is not at all racy on the screen. The identities of the sex workers and customers are carefully protected, and there are only a few glimpses of lingerie.  There are some hilarious scenes of Chris and his partner building the brothel, some general business discussions, and plenty of intensity over how much both Chris and his partner detest the business. One touching note: Chris brings Rachel to "work" every night, and the workers, distressed at her appearance at first, soon became very caring.  Overall, the brothel theme is choppy and depressing; the business fails under two different managements, and Chris is lucky to get most of his money back by constructing two residential houses out of the materials.
 
Caregiving is the guts of the film. In the Q and A session, some women caregivers found the film so remote from their own experiences here in the United States that it was merely a curiosity, no matter how well it was made.  For other caregivers in the audience, the film resonated strongly and illustrated many of the universal aspects of spousal caregiving.
 
Chris chose to marry his wife when she was disabled 14 years before filming began; they are still married, now 17 years later.  That their marriage survived so long is exceptional.  In the US, of 100 couples where one partner is stricken with a serious illness or disability, about 54% are women caregivers and 46% are men.  Five years later, 80% of the surviving couples will have divorced; and of the remaining 20%, 16% will be women caregivers and only 4% will be men caregivers.  Ten years later, there will be less than one male caregiver still married for every 100 women caregivers.  Clearly, women caregivers remain in marriages much longer than men caregivers do.
 
Chris has an enormous amount of financial help compared with US couples in the same situation.  The Australian government pays for the great bulk of medical and caregiving expenses, including free housing and home care aides.  Both Chris's and Rachel's parents provide significant help for the couple. Chris and Rachel diversified into the brothel business because a drought made farming unprofitable. In the United States, on the other hand, many US caregivers are made destitute by the burdens of long term caregiving.  For example, 47% of working caregiving families report that they have used up all or most of their savings.
 
In many other ways, however, the couple's experiences are similar to those of American couples.  For example, Rachel can communicate only a few emotions, and always in a very exaggerated fashion - much like an operatic diva spending two minutes to sing "I love you."  Anger, pain, joy, laughter - and other messages that Chris seemed to pick up through the blinking of Rachel's eyelids, too quick or subtle for me to read, but Chris and Rachel are able to communicate very complex thoughts and emotions.  Chris gives a tutorial in checking and re-checking with Rachel to be sure he understands her.
 
Sex is a major issue for many married caregiving couples, and the film deals with the issue in a fairly open way.  Although Rachel is completely disabled, she still retains feeling all over her body, and enjoys sex - her delight when Chris talks about their lovemaking is unmistakable.  They conceive a second child well after her stroke, and her maternal delight in holding and watching the child is heart warming.  She is intensely jealous of Chris, believing that he is cheating on her, and they attempt to reconcile their differences with the help of a marriage counselor.  Chris is hilarious describing the challenges the "poor girl" faced in counseling such an unusual couple.  In a couple of scenes near the end of the film Chris interacts with women in a bar.  Ms. Uberoi may be implying that Rachel's jealousies are not completely without foundation.
 
Pain management is another caregiving challenge.  Chris seems very rough when tossing Rachel around, and at times he clearly hurts her and she cries.  His basic response to her pain, whether he inflicts it or not, is to make a joke of it; he is usually successful, and within a few seconds, Rachel is almost always laughing.  Chris and Rachel demonstrate that humor can help manage pain.
 
Toileting is an enormous challenge for any caregiver, but the subject is barely touched on in this film.  Ms. Uberoi wrote me privately that this "critique is valid: I have often wondered if perhaps I was too circumspect about the 'toiletry'.  Rachel did not want it filmed, but perhaps I should have tried harder? Maybe it was my own fear?"
 
Toileting may be more stressful for caregiving husbands than wives.  The possibility of urinary tract infection makes a lack of cleanliness a terrifying problem for caregiving husbands.  I respect Ms. Uberoi's directorial decision, but I wish that there had been at least an explanation provided in the film for the omission of the subject.
 
There is a very frank discussion of religion; Chris is eloquent in describing the importance of honoring his marriage vows.  Rachel's mother draws out Rachel's doubts about the existence of God much to Rachel's distress; her lines in the scene: "I don't believe in God any more. Rachel does, Chris does, but I don't...." and a bit later, "The God I loved would not do this to his children. He would have finished the job, or made Rachel whole again."  She reaches out to her daughter, "I am sorry Rachel, I didn't mean to make you cry... but that's how I feel."
 
Suicide is often an issue in a long term spousal caregiving relationship.  Chris has avoided the high risk of suicide in Australian farmers a bit younger than he is.  A doctor is quoted as saying that Chris's care was significant in Rachel's survival for so much longer than medical science would have predicted; Chris's caregiving may have helped him to preserve his own life.  Both people found, I believe, reasons to live because of the strong interdependence they created.
 
The impact on children is handled sympathetically and sensitively.  Rachel adores the baby, and the child responds to his mother with delight.  Kieron, the older son, is insightful describing why his father failed in the brothel business. In a poignant scene, Kieron discusses how his mother has always been the same; she never seems strange to him.  Then he remembers that when he was younger he desperately hoped she would get better. It is almost painful to watch Kieron's face as he grapples with the conflict of wishing her well and his knowledge that she never will be better. 
  
And, as always, it's amazing how different things can look to third parties.  Chris says several times during the film that he sleeps very well, that he never wakes up, that he is never restless at night because of worries about the brothel or the drought or Rachel's well being.  Yet Ms. Uberoi reports that she overheard Chris and Rachel talking and moving around "several times a night" while she stayed at their home.
 
On one technical point, I was at first irritated by the subtitles on an English language film, but from time to time pleased that they were there to "explain" some of the Aussieisms. Ms. Uberoi explained that the subtitles were in response to screenings with hearing impaired people in Australia.  That shows a wonderful sensitivity by the filmmakers; it's heartening to see efforts by theaters to make it easier for the disabled to enjoy their offerings.  Perhaps the filmmakers could add a short note at the beginning of the film of their reasons for including for the subtitles.
 
There are other caregiving lessons here, but I urge you to watch the film and discover them for yourself.
 
"A Good Man": Directed by Safina Uberoi; director of photography, Himman Dhamija; edited by Nicholas Beauman; music by Miroslav Bukovsky; produced by Jenny Day, Mr. Dhamija and Ms. Uberoi; released by Emerging Pictures.

Excerpts from press reviews:

"Upbeat and challenging... a beguiling documentary." VARIETY
"An overwhelming emotional experience." NEW YORK MAGAZINE
"A tribute to an extraordinary family." NEW YORK TIMES

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