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The Stress of a Well Spouse |
By Kelley Brunn
People often ask, "What is the most stressful part about being a Well Spouse?" My initial reaction is "It depends on the day". The truth is the smallest most insignificant  thing can completely stress me out while things that you would think would be the most certain stress factors sometimes pass without much effect. In evaluating why that's the case, I discovered it all boils down to my expectations and experiences. I get the most stressed when my expectations for the task, day, or week don't line up with reality. Sometimes that's because reality can be extremely overwhelming when you're a caregiver. Many times the "cure" for minimizing stress is reassessing the expectations and correcting them or evaluating what my control factor is in the situation.
Things that I have experienced numerous times as a Well Spouse, I have a much better handle on and become "routine" in my day rather than stressful. It's the new unexpected twists that can set me off. Unfortunately, sometimes that can be an emotional reaction my husband expresses that hasn't been present in previous situations. I've learned over the years of being a caregiver that getting stressed out over things I have absolutely no control brings me down the most. Obviously the extreme vulnerabilities of being a caregiver mixed with emotional reactions can make a situation unbearable....regardless of the cause.
Sometimes it's being the wage earner in the family and feeling trapped by extreme financial obligations to provide the best care for my spouse possible. Sometimes it's having the lost dreams staring me in the face with an unclear view of what the "replacement dreams" might be. Sometimes it's feeling like a single parent when "technically" I'm not one. Sometimes it's knowing on a Friday night that the most excitement I can count on is television reruns and my spouse falling asleep at 7:30 which leaves me sitting there feeling like I'm at the end of my life rather than in the middle of it.
Finding a quick mitigating strategy for the stress is important, regardless what the underlying source of the stress might be. Sometimes physical relaxation might be what helps (for me a warm bubble bath at the end of the day). A walk with headphones to escape the mental drain while allowing some release physically can also redirect my energy. A glass of wine or just a few moments alone with my journal to release the feelings can be the cure. Sometimes it's just finding people to socialize with that help me feel like I'm still a whole person. I don't think as a Well Spouse we ever find a constant balance but recognizing when the scales are tipping far too much on one side is a step in relieving the stress.
As I say over and over again, every caregiver is different every situation is different so finding what works for the people most directly involved is most important. There's no one way to endure this journey, it's one day at at time and sometimes one hour at a time.
Editor's note: Kelley Brunn wrote this while she was a current well spouse. Since then her husband died, and she has remarried; and remains a member of the Well Spouse™ Association as a former well spouse.
Source of image: http://simplelifehabits.com/life-habits/how-to-relieve-stress
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